Grandma's Eulogy.

On Sunday, the day after Grandma died, we didn't know who was going to do the Eulogy. That night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. While I was lying in the silent darkness, this whole thing came flooding into my head. For hours. So I wrote it down, asked my family if I could do it and they said yes. A little background: Every years since the 50's my Grandma has made Christmas cookies for the whole family and her friends. They're famous. We literally bake 5000-7000 cookies each year to pass out, because everyone loves and wants them.

So here is my tribute to my beloved and achingly-missed Grandma. I hope you will participate in the favor I ask in the last paragraph.
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Millie, Millie, Millie. Fun-loving, big-hearted, wild and crazy, sassy, bawdy Millie. You probably called her Millie, but some of us called her mom, a few more of us called her grandma, and most of us called her Aunt Millie. And as Matriarch of this family she leaves a big void and a large legacy.

How can you sum up 86 years in 5 minutes? She was so many things to so many people. She loved to bowl, she was involved with the Boy Scouts Troop 228, where she was den mother, though I'm sure people thought more of her as den "queen" mother. She was an excellent seamstress, a strong labor union advocate. And I know many of you learned the hard way that she was an amazing card player! She could have put Las Vegas out of business! And pity the poor fool if you were her partner and your Euchre skills weren't up to par. I remember once playing cards with her and I threw a card and she yelled at me "What are you throwing that card for? Don't you know they have both bowers?!"

Regardless of the seemingly infinite aspects of who she was, I think today we can all agree that Grandma will forever be best known as the best Christmas Cookie Baker to ever walk God's green Earth. And before I continue I would like to assure you all that the cookie baking tradition has been passed down two generations. My mom, Aunt Marie, my sister Lynn and Aunt Tracy have been making the cookies with Grandma for years, so you can all relax in knowing that the tradition continues, even though most of you probably already have Grandma's cookie recipes.

Perhaps you've made some of grandma's cookies yourself. But I know that when the Cugidares come out of the oven and you put it in your mouth you say "Wow this is really delicious, but it's not quite like Aunt Millie's. I don't know what she does but I can't duplicate it". And that's because Grandma had a secret ingredient that wasn't on the recipe card. It was her own unique secret ingredient, and today I'm going to reveal to you what it was.

Grandma's secret ingredient was Love.

Grandma poured her whole heart into every single cookie she made. It was one of her greatest joys when someone called her and said "Millie, can I have a plate of your Christmas cookies this year?" "Of course sweetheart!" she'd say. "What kind do you want?" And even though making these cookies are time and labor intensive, she looked forward to doing it every year because she knew the cookies were going to bring joy to you all. And when you came to get your cookies and she'd see your faces light up with joy, that was her greatest joy, because Grandma derived joy not by getting, but by giving. And it was just a simple plate of cookies. But Grandma knew it wasn't "just a plate of cookies". It was a plate of love that would bring joy to you and each of your families and subsequently to her.

And every time you ate one of Grandma's cookies you were filled with her love, which is why you couldn't put the plate down! You'd take the whole plate and just keep popping them into your mouth and you couldn't stop, because Grandma's love was delicious and infectious and irresistible.

Now there may be some people here today who never got to eat Grandma's cookies, but I can guarantee that you had received some kindness from her at some point in your life. Maybe it was your birthday and she gave you a card stuffed with money. Maybe you were sick and she called you to send her love and her prayers. Or maybe she took you in when everyone else cast you out. Maybe you were just going through a hard time in life and you just dropped in to talk and play cards, and as she filled your coffee cup, she filled your emotional cup.

When I look out at everyone here today I see a plate of cookies. Each of you is one of Grandma's cookies, because just as Grandma filled each and every cookie she made with love, so has she filled each and every one of us with love.

So today I'd like to ask you for a favor. I'd like for all of us to continue spinning Grandma's web of joy and love, so here's what I'd like for you to do:

Some time this October (because that's when she'd start baking the Christmas cookies) bake some cookies. Whatever kind you want, pick your best recipe. And it doesn't have to be a lot, just a couple of dozen. While you're baking them, think of Grandma, and pour your heart into the making of those cookies. Then put them on a pretty plate, wrap them in colorful cellophane, put a big old red bow on it, and give it someone outside the family. Give them to your neighbor, or your paper girl, or your mail carrier or hairdresser. And when you give that person that plate of cookies and you see the joy light up their face and they say "Thank you!" say to them "Don't thank me. Thank Millie".

I'll Be Seeing You...

Rest in peace, dearest Grandma. I'll miss you so much.

Watch out heaven, a wild woman is coming your way!

Quote of the Day

Kelly: These Victoria Secret models make me think of you.
Me: I don't look like those girls in the Victoria Secret catalogue.
Kelly: Parts of you do!

Today's Spam Update

Here are the stats on the emails I've received using Spam Arrest since May:

Messages processed: 60273
Message forwarded: 1865
Spam Percentage : 96.91%

Well, if Dolly Parton can do it, so can I.

I just got a job today. A regular-like kind of job. As in, the rat race. A bona fide full-time, 9-5, M-F corporate gig. No evenings, no weekends, no overtime. I guess this is where I accept my shortcomings as a musician and my failure to become a big huge star. I'll join the ranks of the hundreds of crappy musicians I've played with who worked a regular gig and did music on the side. Don't bother to make comments telling me otherwise. The truth is the truth. I'm willing to accept it now. I guess God had other plans.

Oh well. The money will be a good consolation prize. Getting out of debt is a nice idea, as is a new car. As is getting my own pad. I don't even own furniture. Not even a bed. I own a dresser, a tacky entertainment center, a desk and an office chair. That's it. The rest of my possessions are instruments and gear. And a whole lot of CDs (which make great christmas presents...).

Apparently I'm angry

Because last night in my dreams I basically told the entire world to fuck off.

Quote of the Day...

...From my dear friend, Tom, who knows how to make a girl who has to give up her dream to get a regular job so she's not a leech on society feel good:

"Good luck with finding an office in which to imprison your freesoaring spirit and to benumb your remarkable talents for the seeming satisfaction of a regular paycheck and benefits."

Some people have NO sense of humor...

I was at the pharmacy filling two prescriptions yesterday, and because I've never used either drug the pharmacist felt I should be counseled on them. Fine. I like information.

Well, this 20-ish, towheaded geek of a girl with scholarly looking glasses came to talk to me about my drugs. The first drug was Ambien (because we all know I'm a total insomniac). So before she even started talking I quipped "Talk slow, I haven't slept in a week!", thinking she'd get the joke. She just started a little and said "OH! Okay", then she talked really slow.

Then she mentioned it wasn't a good idea to drink too much alcohol with this drug, and I said, "That's okay. I do all my drinking in the morning!" causing her to look at me with a VERY serious expression, wondering if I should be taking this drug since I obviously have problems with addiction. Even poking her arm and saying "I'm just kidding with ya" didn't make her smile!

Well, we go on to the next drug. It's a one time pill and my doctor said if the problem persists 4 days after taking the first pill, then take the 2nd one on the fourth day. The instructions said "take one pill then take 2nd pill after four days." Easy enough. Well, Miss Pharmacist said "Your doctor wants you to take the first pill, then take the 2nd pill 4 hours later." I asked "Four hours?". She said yes, your doctor said 4 hours later. I showed her the label and said "It says Four Days later." She grabbed the prescription, looked at the label and said , I swear to god,

"Wow! I'm glad I caught that!"

HAHAHAHAHA! What a maroon!