On the subject of that brunch....

So we had my mom's birthday brunch yesterday, at the place that had that ludicrous cake-cutting fee, and may I just say, it sucked.

The first thing was that people in our party were straggling in, and the hostess essentially said "Can you people please hurry to your seats? We have alot of parties today and need you to get started." Nice. The room was small and they crammed people in there like sardines. We had 23 people in our party, and they laid out one long, narrow table. Not a couple of nice round ones, where we'd all be able to talk to each other, no. The people on each end were so far away, and nobody could have a nice conversation. And they put our table in the last row against the wall, so those of us sitting along the wall side had to duck around the fireplace mantle every time we left or returned to our seats.

Then the food was extra greasy, and when it was my turn at the omelette bar, the dude says "What would you like in it?" And I said, Garlic. And he says we don't have any garlic. Wha????? He says "In three years nobody's ever asked me for garlic." And I says "In dago-infested Irondequoit, NY?" Impossible to believe. Whatever.

Then our fag waiter "Fred" comes along and takes our juice orders. Then he brings each glass of juice, about 5 at a time. Instead of bringing a pitcher. If you wanted more juice, you had to hunt him down and ask him, instead of him showing up and refilling your glass. No, you had to ask for another juice, then he'd bring you a new glass of juice and leave the empty one there. We had like 300 glasses on the table by the end of it.

Fred showed up at our table about 4 times the whole time (we had to grab other waiters), and one time he even had the temerity to actually SIT DOWN in one of the seats to take an order. You're not allowed to take a dirty plate back up to the buffet, but did he come around a strike the empty dishes? Was there a bus bin for us to leave them? No, I tell you.

At noon Fred came around to ask who wanted champagne or whatever booze. I'm like, what? Every champagne brunch I've ever been to they brought you a glass, and just kept pouring. What is this ordering crap? It's all included in the damn price. And the champagne was absolutely the nastiest crap I've ever tasted. It tasted like soap. I thought maybe it was the glass, so I asked for another. Nope, it was the champagne. The juice and water didn't taste like that, so I know it wasn't the glass. So I tried to cut it with OJ and it was still disgusting. So I got a bloody mary instead and if there was even any vodka in it, it was like a capful. Even the celery tasted gross.

Later, we were CUTTING OUR OWN CAKE and I had to hunt down Fred to ask for plates. He brings a stack and starts passing the plates out to each person. I'm thinking, dickhead, the cake is down there. You want us to pass the slice up to the plates? So I says "Fred, just hand me the stack of plates. We'll put the cake in them and THEN pass them around" and he looks at me like I'm a bitch. Which I am when confronted with unbridled stupidity and ineptitude.

OH! THEN, my friend's bratty 6-year-old asked for some more OJ, and the dickhead brought her a mamosa. She was halfway through it when her mom noticed it looked really watered down and tasted it. And my grandmother complained to ME about everything, like the restaurant's mismanagement was MY fault, while at the same time trying to make the event all about her.

And you know what? Even the desserts were inedible. So let me suggest you avoid The Newport House in Rochester, NY altogether.

Cake Cutting Fee Update.

I win.

Everyone has their hands in my pocket

Fuck those fuckin' fuckers. We're having a brunch for my mom on Sunday in celebration of her 65th birthday. So I made reservations for TWENTY-FIVE people at this nice restaurant, where it's going to cost us $20.00 per person for brunch. Let's do the math, shall we? 25X20.00...25 twice is 50 add three zeroes and the decimal is FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS!

So I tell them I'm bringing my own cake and they say "There's a cake cutting fee of 1.00 per person". EXCUSE ME? So a 20-ish dollar cake plus the cutting fee (let's do the math, shall we?) is gonna mean I now have a 50-ish dollar cake? And the woman in charge isn't even there so I have to wait until tomorrow for me to say "We're gonna lay down half a fucking grand at your place on Sunday, so cut the fucking cake for free, you gouging scoundrels!"

And she conveniently didn't mention this to me when I first made reservations and she asked about a cake. I said I wasn't sure if I'd bring the cake or have them order it. Did she mention the damn cutting fee? No, and I intend to mention that to her, too.

Today I ordered a new computer for my mommy's birthday, and I got the guy to waive the shipping fee. You think I'm gonna pay you to cut my damn cake? I'll bring my own knife. Ya gonna charge me a fork-washing fee? A napkin washing fee? A farting fee? Why don't you just put coin slots on the friggin' toilet stalls?

Fuckers. Will keep you updated on this latest hypertensive moment.

AAAHHHHH!

It's finally warm. It's really sunny and hot and beautiful and I love it. And I had ice cream with my pal today (see my other blog). And it's so darn nice out that I don't even have a rant today. Ya see? Just a little hot weather and ice cream. It's all a girl needs.

Most of the time...

Summer Solstice, my ass

It June friggin' 20th, and it's like 60 freezing, goddamn degrees out there, cloudy and looks like rain. Where is my sugar mama with the mansion in the Arizona desert?

Do I Have "Freaks Apply Here" tattooed on my forehead?

Yet another date request from a woman who is indeed very nice, but would probably implode if she new my fetish for fag porn, assorted sex toys, and non-missionary sexual acts. I'm not saying she's uptight....oh wait, yes I am. Totally uptight. Still, a very nice woman, indeed, but for crying out loud people, my Venus is in Saggitarius!

Meep!

I was this close to having my mother catch me whacking off!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Possessed Fonts

Remember all those fonts that were suddenly larger on certain websites, or certain parts of web pages? Well, I log on today, and those which are not back to normal are now smaller. Yes. So teeny tiny, in fact, that I cannot read my email on the yahoo sites. I have to cut and paste them onto a word doc so I can enlarge the fonts.

Anyone got even an inkling as to why these setting would just change by themselves? Could it be Satan, perhaps?

Identity Crisis

My cat thinks he's a chicken.

Welcome to the Kitty eating disorder clinic.

My little Farris has been battling a UTI since last week, and he couldn't tolerate the first two anitbiotics I gave him. So he'd gone about five days without effective treatment or relief, and finally stopped eating altogether. So he was a little anorexic kitty and he lost almost 2 pounds in five days and we had to force feed him through a syringe.

On the other hand is the Great Puddini, Farris's binge-eating fat mama kitty. Every time you go into the kitchen she thinks she has to be fed and begs and hollers for food. And even though I only feed her at specified times, she meows incessently all day and drives me nuts. And she gobbles her food as fast as she can then runs over to Farris's dish, pushes him away, then eats his food.

So, I'm force feeding one as many times a day as he can stand, and measuring food out to the other one 3X a day. We have opposing kitty eating disorders going on here.

On the bright side, Farris finally did start eating on his own yesterday, and is continuing to do so. But now I have to stand over them while eating, so he gets his full amount of food, and Puddy doesn't steal it from him. I'm the cat food nazi.

My god, they're growing.

The letters on the computer screen. One day the fonts were larger on SOME sites, not all, and in a few cases, just on parts of a particular web page, not the whole thing. Today, those fonts are EVEN BIGGER! Wha'fuck?

Cunt

Everything you've always wanted to know about it...etymologically speaking, of course.

Who knew there was so much cunning linguistical history behind that word?