By demand...

Alright, already! Jebus!

The Outmusic Award was won by Michael Holland. For the record, he beat Rufus Wainright, who is currently on tour with Sting. There was no second place. You're either the winner or a loser. Other people who did not win who should have (other than myself) include Cathy Richardson, an indie big-shot who will blow you away, and Namoli Brennet, who is a great songwriter, and writes beatiful music.

Toronto was fun. As usual, the biggest freakshow going. There were a million people there. I sold four CDs. At least they paid me, even if it was in that play money of theirs. But I did have a good time, and Kelly was there, too. She came up with three of her friends, and they all had a gay old time. I had two shows, so I was kind of busy.

This weekend I get to humiliate myself again playing at Keys Piano Bar. It really is lowering myself, I must say. But it's 300 bucks, and as I said, I now have to be a whore, because I have to retire in 20 years. Whoever heard of whoring without humiliation? (Except for Clinton, of course...)

Quote of the Day:


"They're ALL bitches in the end."

Mary Simon, after I commented that "...she was nice at the beginning but wasn't by the time we'd split up."

Fuck This

It's June frickin 21st, the Summer Solstice, and I'm still wearing flannel pajamas to bed and putting my heat on at night. The sun has shone like twice this year, we've had one hot day and I'm fucking sick of it. I hate this weather, I hate this city, I hate this tax-raping state, and I hate my life.

Spam Count

Here are the statistics for the month I've been using this spam blocking service:

Messages Processed 13502
Messages Forwarded 796

That's right. Of 13,502 emails sent to my email address in ONE MONTH, 6% of them have been legit. The rest? Spam. Shit. Crap. A waste of cyberspace.

And hours of time saved for me and space saved on my server. All for 30 bucks a year. Worth the money in frustration-prevention alone.

The Outmusic Awards

I didn't win.

But you can all go to this site and vote to get my CD to #1 on the chart...

Birthday Bash!

'Twas Kelly's birthday on Monday, so I spoiled her rotten!

I whisked her away to my friend's cabin in the Finger Lakes for the weekend. Hank came with us. He's a Pisces dog so as soon as he saw the lake, in he went. Swam and fetched and waded and barely came out! We'd forgotten to get some wood on the way in. There was wood there, but they were big pieces. Good ol' Kelly just grabs an axe and a sledge hammer and starts ripping the logs apart. Very sexy. Had a hard time starting the fire because it had been raining and the logs were wet, but somehow it worked. Kelly cooked the steaks over the fire. YUM! Boy, were they good. Made some s'mores and did all that kind of campfirey stuff.

The weather was nicer the next day so we headed for the boat, but it wouldn't start. Grabbed a battery booster, but the boat stalled as soon as we disconnected it. Alternator, I'm guessing. We were all loaded up, too: fishing poles, beer, munchies, Hank. Well, we couldn't go anywhere, so we just fished from the boat. Caught a bunch of Sunfish and Perch which we let go, of course.

We let Hank out of the boat and he was bored. He wanted us to throw the ball into the water so he could fetch it, but we were ignoring him. So he kept picking up the ball and dropping it. Eventually it would roll of the dock and into the water, and he's make a mad dash for it. It was hysterical because he totally entertained himself.

We were only there overnight, and headed back home Sunday night. On Monday we went for a really nice motorcycle ride, me riding bitch. I had a nice romatic dinner planned for us later at a restaurant on the river. But Kelly didn't know that I'd invited a bunch of her friends! She had no clue about it until we parked and she recognized one of her friend's cars. Dang! Anyway, she was still surprised to see how many people were there. We had a great dinner and the company was awesome and she got nice presents. Kelly said it was the best birthday ever.

Aren't we a lovely couple?



Okay, guess how old.

I don't know.

I'm taking one of those insipid online tests and I've just been presented this question:

"Which of these emotions do you relate to more? Anger or Sadness?"

I have no idea how to answer this accurately.

Well, I picked one, finished the test (which is "Which Country Are You?), and well...

You're Ethiopia!

You were just getting back to a normal cycle of eating when a group of people came up to you and said that you were too different than they were, so you could no longer visit the beach. You'll probably miss the beach, and you're still kind of hungry, but ironically you cook for lots of rich people in other places who think your food is excellent, but won't let you eat it yourself.


And on a related note, I was thumbing through an Entertainment book the other day looking at the restaurant coupons, and found a restaurant that touted itself as "Authentic Ethiopian Cuisine". What the fuck is that? Twigs and a dried-up earthworm on a dirty leaf, which I will later use for toilet paper?

Crotch Rot and other maladies...

WARNING: This posting is not for people easily scheeved, nor is it for genito-phobics or those suffering from the Vagina Dentata syndrome. Nor is it for most of you gentle readers who possess more class and dignity than I, as it is disgusting and highly personal. Change blog channels now.

But I'm a walking scourge.

A couple of weeks ago I had what looked like a few flea bites on my left leg. The next day there were more and they itched mercilessly. I mentioned it to Kelly and she, being a vet, said that the fleas weren't out yet, it was still too cold. So she took a look. We counted 30 of them, and she basically said "I've seen this on dogs. It's staphoblahblah dermasomething pyra." So I said "Woof!"

Basically, she said it was a staph infection of the skin. They looked like bites except they had little pustules. Disgusting. So she gave me some special soap that they use on the dogs - same medicine as they use on humans in a dog bottle, so what the fuck. It's free, right? And it wasn't getting better, so she brought me home some antibiotics.

Well, all you girls out there know what happens when a girl takes antibiotics. And even though I purposely took 500mg of acidopholus a day just for that very reason, apparently is wasn't enough. Because I got a raging yeast infection. And for those who don't know, they burn and itch like a motherfucker.

(Medical sidebar: the body has normal flora in it, mostly in the digestive tract, but women have this normal flora in their naughty bits as well, and when you take antibiotics they kill this flora along with the nasty bugs. The absence of this flora allows the proliferation of yeast, which thrives in dark, warm, moist areas. Ew.)

So I went to the store and bought the effing Vagistat cream that you shoot up your twat and it's supposed to kill the yeasties. FYI, what goes up must come down. It goes in slimy, but comes out slimy and yeasty. Ew. And it still takes time to stop burning and itching. Which normally for me may take a day or two.

But then I got my period. And you CANNOT use tampons with a yeast infection. I needn't say more there. Girls dig my rap, boys will have to use their imaginations.

So now it's a week later, and while my staph infection is gone, I'm not sure I'm out of the woods on the yeast thing. I'm still a bit uncomfortable down there. And I haven't had sex in 10 days because that would be downright tortuous. But then again, so is NOT having sex. So I still have my period, I've got to do the Vagistat cream thing AGAIN, then fucking douche in a few days! And I won't EVEN tell you what happened when I put Vagisil on my clit, because it was the most disgusting, gross, hideous, evil thing ever.

Can someone please tell me why my twat is on strike????

And NOW, I got a fucking sore throat! I tell ya, I'm a walking plague.

Personally I think all my chakras have shut down. Those were the last two to go.

And so, may I have a collective EW. Thank you very much.